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Je ne regrette rien *slight adult content*

Brandin worked for Circuit City when it went under and the stress of him being "off work" took it's toll on our relationship... the best way i can explain it is... here lets see if you can track with me "when i was a kid i remember going to a birthday party for my cousin, it was a pool party but i remember sneaking in the house with my cousin and eating the whole underside of the cake, when it was time to cut the cake, the knife went through and half the cake toppled over" that in a way is what's going on with Brandin and I, through out the last couple of years things have been thrown our way, hurts have been made, and poor choices have been a constant, but he was working all the time, and i had Ethan (then to our surprise Abigail) so things got pushed farther and farther under the proverbial carpet, when he lost his job, we spent every waking moment with each other... every... waking... moment... and we were forced to really look at our life and take a stand... take back control so to speak... i realized i loved him, i loved him for being Ethan and Abby's daddy, i loved him because we had been together for so long, i loved him for being my first... everything, i loved him for being a good friend... but being in love was completely different... we weren't passionate anymore, we weren't lovers, we had sex as a physical necessity.... just a need that was met. there was no "i love this man, and want to be connected with him" it was just.... it's been awhile... he didn't like it at first, but i think he's getting used to the idea, we were meant for each other for a season, we made allot of choices, grew up, had set backs, leaned on each other, figured it out, came to blows, yelled, kissed, loved, hated... you name it we experienced it, and i can't regret it. i can't regret him, but your first love isn't always your true love. i wouldn't be the woman i am today without him, i wouldn't have been forced to grow up without him (in a good way) there are allot of things i wouldn't be without him, and i'm grateful. "Je ne Regrette Rien"

*not actually* drunken blog

So this isn't the real thing, but i'm going to do it now and see if i can, then if i can do it, i'm going to actually blog tomarrow night after a night of drinking... lets see how entertaining i can be ;)
so as of now it's wearing off. but lets see what kind of trouble i can get into, i've twittered like 2497523094 times about Peter Facinelli, but he still wouldn't respond because apparently i'm not cool enough (you should still follow him though) ummm i find drunk peeing funny... there is something about pissing when your piss drunk thats is amusing. like tonight, i had to go so bad while we were driving i didn't think i was going to make it, then i pulled a britney because i couldn't find my shoes so i went into the public rest stop barefoot, then i couldn't lock the door right, then i couldn't sit up straight, but i ended up making it, and washing my hands afterward, then i couldn't find my current spouse, so i was standing in the wet grass chasing a bunny that was skinny and kind of not cute and bunny like, until i found my ride getting snacks, so i was calling him telling him about the bunny i saw, and he was laughing at me, so then i walked to the car and was very upset because i kept losing my phone, not a serious losing but like a it was sitting in the seat everytime i got back to the car because i would be sitting on it kind of loseing it. Brandin is to nice to me when i'm drinking, i ask for food he gets it for me, even if i change my mind (i.e. i asked for frenchfrys but i didn't like the bitch at the window, so i wanted to go eat somewhere else) and now i'm super tired, but can't sleep. so i decided to blog. so here i am. good night ROFL

Over Reaction

B is freaking out asking me to ask my parents for money until friday because he's been commuting four hours everyday to his job (because his apartment isn't ready) and we're coming up short for gas, so i go dig in my purse and take everything i have out, which is a measly 15 dollars but hey it's a day's worth of gas at least. and he complains for an hour on how it's only good enough for acouple of days blah blah blah, and i couldn't help but think "am i ever good enough" so it may be a over reaction to this situation but it's so many times over time that i can't help but feel like everything is leading to that conclution, i'm never good enough, every aspect of me just fails to be completely what he needs, did i get this from him freaking out over 15 dollars no, but it's how i feel non the less.

The randomness that is me

hm, lets see, i think my devotion to twilight is failing, I'm actually getting quite annoyed with reading things about the cast, if i hear one more Robert Pattinson story (about boning Kristen Stewart or not) I'm going to brake something, seriously, who gives a crap. although the winning the best kiss award (warranted or not) on MTV was pretty funny. and the trailer looked awesome, i just might be in love with Chris Weitz.

can this be for me??

breaks in pieces and glues it together, breaks in pieces then tapes it together, breaks in pieces then uses string to tie it together, breaks again and uses thread to tie it, breaks once more and can't fix it. God can fix it.


I know i believed it once, i just don't know if i can believe it again.

hmmm

I'm not sure if it's a blessing or a curse to feel so torn the way i do, on one hand the last couple weeks have been the best in a long time, for the longest time i was just a shell, just this hollow, empty being walking around being swayed by each little breath the people around me took, i was so afraid of everything, the fear of rejection and being a disapointment if i didn't do everything everyone else wanted hovered over my head like a thick fog, at times i felt like i was going to sufficate from it, it took me awhile to realize i was feeling this way, it wasn't until i had the perfect 20/20 of hinsight that i stopped long enough to look at myself and see that i wasn't anything but a figment of the person i used to be, and the more i thought about it, the more it hurt, i used to be such a great person, friendly and outgoing, loving and filled with life, and it seemed that over the course of the past three and a half years with every blow a little bit of myself was shaped differently until i couldn't reconize myself, i couldn't see who i was, who i wanted to be, or even who i could be, because i was so busy with all the bruises from the hardships i've had to face, i was becoming cold and indifferent to life, waiting for the days to pass instead of living them. It dawned on me months ago, almost a year now, i was sitting in a shrinks office, rambling on and on about my issues, and it hit me like a ton of bricks, I wasn't happy anymore, and i didn't know what could make me happy, i used to skirt around this conversation with the shrink, telling her about my short childhood, my controlling family, anything i could to keep away from the subject that was most pressing... i was trapt, the good girl in me didn't want to see it this way, but deep down i couldn't help but face the facts, i didn't marry for love, although i loved him, i married because i was ashamed, like the only thing that would make me whole again is if i married the man i gave my virginity, but it didn't make me whole, so i tried to fill the hole with matirial things, of course it didn't work, so i did want any insane child would think of doing, i had my son, thinking some how this was going to make me whole, make me inlove with him, and make me happy... as much as i love my son... as much as he filled something missing in my heart, it didn't fill the whole i had been trying to fill, i wanted so much to make this work, but i can't hold it up any longer, so acouple of weeks ago it dawned on me, i have to leave, i have to do something so selfish i don't know if my family and friends will ever forgive me... i have do something for me. trust me when i say it isn't easy, it doesn't help that he guilts me every chance he gets, it doesn't help that anyone i've talked to which hasn't been many tell me how wrong i am, how i'm messing up my life, and messing up my kids, but which is worse, living a lie or being broken? we don't even get along, we fight all the time, we hardly talk, we're never romantic or loving. how can i teach my children how to act, how to treat people, how to love if i can't show them, i've lived with a loveless marriage, it changed how i looked at love, now i'm living in a loveless marriage and i'm afraid my children will think thats the right way. i can't let that happen. i just have to go.

Wasn't allowed.

I wasn't allowed to go to school, My dad did not believe i should be involved with High school for a multitude of reasons, the biggest one was "there wasn't enough God in school" and of course you can kind of guess what that is even means, but just for the sake of letting it out, I'm going to tell you, the most basic of this statement is that they don't teach God in school, how exactly they should teach him in school my dad never was clear about, but they didn't so i wasn't going, but there was more, there were ungodly people in high schools, ungodly people? yes ones that aren't Christians, no... ones that aren't born again Christians, no worse, i wasn't allowed to be associated with non-Christians, Pentecostal was accepted, four square required, non-denomination was walking a fine line. my clothing was monitored closely, which never bothered me because well... I'm kind of chubby. At least that's what i was told from the time i was ten, and to be honest, i never get the point of shirts that show everything, (i mean find something sexy that's fine, you don't have to be skanky) my TV was monitored as well, which isn't far from normal from what i understand, but i remember this one story i want to share, years ago (in a far away land) there was a show called Dawson's creek, is was a popular little show that they hyped up allot before it's first season, i being the age group it was intended for, was well, excited, i talked about it all week i was so excited, when the night finally came my family actually left me alone, they went and did other things while i watched my show, as some some can remember the character Jen on the show (played boy Michelle... Williams?) was an Atheist, i being probably not the brightest kid in the class decided to ask my dad (of all people) What is an Atheist, i remember his face getting really stone, and in a deep unfriendly voice he asked me "where did you hear about that" and i (again not so bright) stated that one of the people on the show is one, in probably one of the most frightening barks i still have ever heard from him he informs me "it's people who don't know the truth and you may not watch that show anymore". So sheltered is an understatement, and naive is sadly normally the case still.

Ahhh

i just want to be left alone, and i don't understand why people in my life are taking it so personally, my now estranged husband the most, he made choices in our marriage that made me feel like less, less of a woman, less pretty, less wanted... name it i just felt less, and he was sorry, i do believe that, i forgave him, i whole heartedly did, but ever since I've felt not good enough, like my life just sucked, and now, i don't want to be with anyone, i don't want to be with him anymore, sorry it hurt his feelings but it's been less then a year since he asked for a separation, so don't know what changed except for me. i just want to go to school achieve the goals I've set for myself, raise my kids to be good people, I'm not looking for relationships of the romantic kind. I'm happy being alone. and if people in my life really love me really love me, then i don't see why this should be hard. just be happy for me.

Dear little girl

To my beautiful girl, i want you to know that you are everything, you are beauty, you are brain, you are the center, people will gravitate to you as long as your sincer about one thing, my love when you look at people, who ever they are to you, stranger or friend i want you to put your heart on the line and love them like you imagain the love of your life. people can be so many things, nothing is going to be easy, but just as you can list your favorite things with ease i hope you will look into people and see the good in whatever their actions might be. it's ok to love, it's ok to lose, and it's ok to hurt, don't be ashamed of following your heart, be smart enough to lead with your head, know the difference. There is nothing that can hold you down, there is no limit but what you set on your own. despite anything that happens know i loved you.



~Love Mommy
But you see, just because we've been... dealt a certain hand... it doesn't mean that we can't choose to rise above -- to conquer the boundaries of a destiny that none of us wanted.
- Stephanie Meyer "Twilight"

and today

I'm feeling overwhelmed with this new struggle, I've always been emotional, I've always spoken freely on whatever was on my mind i think, at least i like to that i didn't become a drama queen until my late teens.... but God knows, i just feel stifled by my emotions lately, i feel like if i could just clean the slate, if i could just wipe everything, every thing that still hurts, everything that makes me cry, everything that makes me angry, and start new maybe just maybe i could learn from my mistakes and control myself a bit better. i feel irrational, i feel like I'm acting over the top, it's very frustrating to feel that way and not completely understand why or how to reduce it to a faint once in awhile annoyance. i wish i could get a grip

On My Mind

Ahh the first blog, never sure what to say, or how to establish yourself... so i'm just going to ramble on about all the things in my head, My life hasn't ended up the way i thought it was going to, i never think anything is going to be easy, because the things that are easy in life aren't worth the experience, i get that, i knew there wasn't happily ever after, i knew you have to work hard on the things you want most, but working hard and being happy with the results i've come to find out don't always line up. so what is the more important thing, maintaining something you wanted at one point in time, or going after what would make you happy now, what makes you happy can change, you'll always be searching for the next thing to make you happy, or you can hold on the stuff you've worked for and hope it makes you happy again. delima for sure! without a doubt something thats going to be going through my mind allot as i slowly look at the paths to take and make my choosing.