can this be for me??

breaks in pieces and glues it together, breaks in pieces then tapes it together, breaks in pieces then uses string to tie it together, breaks again and uses thread to tie it, breaks once more and can't fix it. God can fix it.


I know i believed it once, i just don't know if i can believe it again.

hmmm

I'm not sure if it's a blessing or a curse to feel so torn the way i do, on one hand the last couple weeks have been the best in a long time, for the longest time i was just a shell, just this hollow, empty being walking around being swayed by each little breath the people around me took, i was so afraid of everything, the fear of rejection and being a disapointment if i didn't do everything everyone else wanted hovered over my head like a thick fog, at times i felt like i was going to sufficate from it, it took me awhile to realize i was feeling this way, it wasn't until i had the perfect 20/20 of hinsight that i stopped long enough to look at myself and see that i wasn't anything but a figment of the person i used to be, and the more i thought about it, the more it hurt, i used to be such a great person, friendly and outgoing, loving and filled with life, and it seemed that over the course of the past three and a half years with every blow a little bit of myself was shaped differently until i couldn't reconize myself, i couldn't see who i was, who i wanted to be, or even who i could be, because i was so busy with all the bruises from the hardships i've had to face, i was becoming cold and indifferent to life, waiting for the days to pass instead of living them. It dawned on me months ago, almost a year now, i was sitting in a shrinks office, rambling on and on about my issues, and it hit me like a ton of bricks, I wasn't happy anymore, and i didn't know what could make me happy, i used to skirt around this conversation with the shrink, telling her about my short childhood, my controlling family, anything i could to keep away from the subject that was most pressing... i was trapt, the good girl in me didn't want to see it this way, but deep down i couldn't help but face the facts, i didn't marry for love, although i loved him, i married because i was ashamed, like the only thing that would make me whole again is if i married the man i gave my virginity, but it didn't make me whole, so i tried to fill the hole with matirial things, of course it didn't work, so i did want any insane child would think of doing, i had my son, thinking some how this was going to make me whole, make me inlove with him, and make me happy... as much as i love my son... as much as he filled something missing in my heart, it didn't fill the whole i had been trying to fill, i wanted so much to make this work, but i can't hold it up any longer, so acouple of weeks ago it dawned on me, i have to leave, i have to do something so selfish i don't know if my family and friends will ever forgive me... i have do something for me. trust me when i say it isn't easy, it doesn't help that he guilts me every chance he gets, it doesn't help that anyone i've talked to which hasn't been many tell me how wrong i am, how i'm messing up my life, and messing up my kids, but which is worse, living a lie or being broken? we don't even get along, we fight all the time, we hardly talk, we're never romantic or loving. how can i teach my children how to act, how to treat people, how to love if i can't show them, i've lived with a loveless marriage, it changed how i looked at love, now i'm living in a loveless marriage and i'm afraid my children will think thats the right way. i can't let that happen. i just have to go.