Wasn't allowed.

I wasn't allowed to go to school, My dad did not believe i should be involved with High school for a multitude of reasons, the biggest one was "there wasn't enough God in school" and of course you can kind of guess what that is even means, but just for the sake of letting it out, I'm going to tell you, the most basic of this statement is that they don't teach God in school, how exactly they should teach him in school my dad never was clear about, but they didn't so i wasn't going, but there was more, there were ungodly people in high schools, ungodly people? yes ones that aren't Christians, no... ones that aren't born again Christians, no worse, i wasn't allowed to be associated with non-Christians, Pentecostal was accepted, four square required, non-denomination was walking a fine line. my clothing was monitored closely, which never bothered me because well... I'm kind of chubby. At least that's what i was told from the time i was ten, and to be honest, i never get the point of shirts that show everything, (i mean find something sexy that's fine, you don't have to be skanky) my TV was monitored as well, which isn't far from normal from what i understand, but i remember this one story i want to share, years ago (in a far away land) there was a show called Dawson's creek, is was a popular little show that they hyped up allot before it's first season, i being the age group it was intended for, was well, excited, i talked about it all week i was so excited, when the night finally came my family actually left me alone, they went and did other things while i watched my show, as some some can remember the character Jen on the show (played boy Michelle... Williams?) was an Atheist, i being probably not the brightest kid in the class decided to ask my dad (of all people) What is an Atheist, i remember his face getting really stone, and in a deep unfriendly voice he asked me "where did you hear about that" and i (again not so bright) stated that one of the people on the show is one, in probably one of the most frightening barks i still have ever heard from him he informs me "it's people who don't know the truth and you may not watch that show anymore". So sheltered is an understatement, and naive is sadly normally the case still.

Ahhh

i just want to be left alone, and i don't understand why people in my life are taking it so personally, my now estranged husband the most, he made choices in our marriage that made me feel like less, less of a woman, less pretty, less wanted... name it i just felt less, and he was sorry, i do believe that, i forgave him, i whole heartedly did, but ever since I've felt not good enough, like my life just sucked, and now, i don't want to be with anyone, i don't want to be with him anymore, sorry it hurt his feelings but it's been less then a year since he asked for a separation, so don't know what changed except for me. i just want to go to school achieve the goals I've set for myself, raise my kids to be good people, I'm not looking for relationships of the romantic kind. I'm happy being alone. and if people in my life really love me really love me, then i don't see why this should be hard. just be happy for me.

Dear little girl

To my beautiful girl, i want you to know that you are everything, you are beauty, you are brain, you are the center, people will gravitate to you as long as your sincer about one thing, my love when you look at people, who ever they are to you, stranger or friend i want you to put your heart on the line and love them like you imagain the love of your life. people can be so many things, nothing is going to be easy, but just as you can list your favorite things with ease i hope you will look into people and see the good in whatever their actions might be. it's ok to love, it's ok to lose, and it's ok to hurt, don't be ashamed of following your heart, be smart enough to lead with your head, know the difference. There is nothing that can hold you down, there is no limit but what you set on your own. despite anything that happens know i loved you.



~Love Mommy
But you see, just because we've been... dealt a certain hand... it doesn't mean that we can't choose to rise above -- to conquer the boundaries of a destiny that none of us wanted.
- Stephanie Meyer "Twilight"

and today

I'm feeling overwhelmed with this new struggle, I've always been emotional, I've always spoken freely on whatever was on my mind i think, at least i like to that i didn't become a drama queen until my late teens.... but God knows, i just feel stifled by my emotions lately, i feel like if i could just clean the slate, if i could just wipe everything, every thing that still hurts, everything that makes me cry, everything that makes me angry, and start new maybe just maybe i could learn from my mistakes and control myself a bit better. i feel irrational, i feel like I'm acting over the top, it's very frustrating to feel that way and not completely understand why or how to reduce it to a faint once in awhile annoyance. i wish i could get a grip

On My Mind

Ahh the first blog, never sure what to say, or how to establish yourself... so i'm just going to ramble on about all the things in my head, My life hasn't ended up the way i thought it was going to, i never think anything is going to be easy, because the things that are easy in life aren't worth the experience, i get that, i knew there wasn't happily ever after, i knew you have to work hard on the things you want most, but working hard and being happy with the results i've come to find out don't always line up. so what is the more important thing, maintaining something you wanted at one point in time, or going after what would make you happy now, what makes you happy can change, you'll always be searching for the next thing to make you happy, or you can hold on the stuff you've worked for and hope it makes you happy again. delima for sure! without a doubt something thats going to be going through my mind allot as i slowly look at the paths to take and make my choosing.